Finding me

This morning, I woke up wondering… what has my life become?

As I was growing up, I had my whole life planned out. I wanted to become a Labor and Delivery Nurse, find a loving husband, and have at least five children.

To me, that was the perfect life. A career helping bring babies into the world, while also having a big family of my own to love and care for.

Life felt like it was moving in the right direction. By 18 years old, I was already a CNA and a Medical Assistant. I felt excited, motivated, and passionate about beginning my nursing career.

For reasons that I may share in the future, I moved in with a young man who later became my first husband. That-reason was truly the turning point of my life.I married very young, just out of high school.

My first husband was extremely controlling and abusive. I had enrolled in college, but he always found a way to keep me from attending, and that pattern continued throughout our marriage. Eventually, I started falling behind and feeling defeated.

As the years passed, I became more and more frustrated knowing I was never able to accomplish the things I once wanted so badly — becoming a nurse and becoming a mother, especially as I struggled to get pregnant.

Thankfully, now I realize it was by the grace of God that we never had children together.

I remained in that relationship for 15 long years before finally getting divorced. A years later, I remarried. I was hopeful this chapter of my life would be different. Once again, I talked about going back to school. But my second husband did not support that goal either. He believed going back to school was a waste of time and money.

Looking back, I wish I would have fought harder for myself. Eventually, I left college again.

Then at 37 years old, about a year into my second marriage, one of the things I had hoped for most finally became a reality.

I had my first — and only — child.

My son quickly became my entire world.

As time went on, another part of the life I had imagined also began slipping away. I had always pictured raising my child within a loving family, but a few years later, I separated from my second husband. Once again, the family I had imagined for myself fell apart.

So maybe life did not give me the five children I once pictured, the perfect family, or even the career I imagined for myself.

But it did allow me to become a mother. And somehow, through all the disappointments, and detours in life… maybe that alone is my greatest blessing.

After that, I convinced myself that nursing was simply not meant to be part of my story.

Two years ago, my mother and I were flying home together. She switched seats with me, and the woman who ended up sitting next to me was a Nurse Practitioner. Honestly, it felt like God had placed her beside me for a reason.

She was one of the kindest people I had ever met. We talked for hours during that flight. She listened so carefully, and for the first time in a very long time, I felt excited talking about nursing again.

She encouraged me. She told me that 50 was not too old to start over. For a moment, I felt hopeful again.

But reality quickly set back in. Financially, I can’t afford to go back to school, More than that, my body feels tired all the time. I am constantly in a lot of pain.

How could I possibly handle such a demanding career now?

The truth is, my biggest obstacle has often been my own lack of belief in myself and allowing others to influence the direction of my life.

Here I am, lying in bed alone, wondering what path I should take.

Am I too old to start over?

Would it truly fulfill me?

Can I manage working full-time, supporting my teenager, going back to school, and still trying to heal my body and mind all at the same time?

Sometimes life does not turn out the way you imagined it would. As you grow older, you learn that not everything falls into place the way you once hoped. You simply keep moving forward and try to figure things out along the way.

Being my age and not being where I thought I would be in life is difficult. Some days it feels overwhelming… like today. But no matter how heavy life feels, I know I still have to keep going.

For now, I will try to focus on what I do have instead of grieving the life I thought I would have had.